Because my life is falling apart and i love someone too much and i just accidently ended a convo with the nice 17 year old from Indonesia who was talking to me on Omegle . :(

It feels like my head is going to explode my heart is cracked everything is fucked up. I want to look out my window and see your car or see you called at least but your pride won’t let you do that. I wish I could make the noise stop though.

I’ve never been fat before. Always a bit taller than most girls, but not even the tallest girl around. A size bigger, but not really plus sized either. At my best I weighed about 150 . 5’9 and 150 lbs. now at roughly 200, I feel it is time to do something. I need to lose at minimum 30 . After that if I am toned I’m ok. But in the meantime I feel really big. :( . Just wish there was a magic button that could fix this.

Quiet nights in a new apt on the couch because I’m too poor to afford furniture and my air mattress has a hole in it while watching adult swim and considering weight loss , the existence of soul mates, the possibility of acquiring a cheap oil change / tire alignment, after acknowledging the absence of money, sanity, and fortitude, recognizing the vast amounts of time wasted, wrong turns taken and opportunities missed while also casually remembering pointless alcohol and marijuana induced slumps and half heartedly performing a sweeping review of the last ten years of my life……

I AM NOT ENOUGH

Summer is approaching at the perfect time as I have so much to consider… An overwhelming feeling of lack of progress sets in as my third year of college comes to an end.. I feel as if I am in competition with the world, my peers are no more capable, yet they continuely outperform me in so many aspects of life… I feel pressure to have something concrete …anything, whether it be personal or professional…something to call my own, some kind of accomplishment that lets me know I am closer to becoming the woman I dream of being..desperation rises as the days pass.. I don’t want my haste to take the meaning out of the milestone though… I am in a bind. I feel as if I’m burrowing deep into the soil, where sunlight and sense cannot reach. My fingers long to wrap around something they won’t have to let go of.. I am paranoid of the world seeing me like this. I feel paper thin, as if strangers can read every fear and sin and fault before I speak. I feel as if they all condemn me. But it is this very world I seek to validate me with diplomas and initiations and awards. Tangible success I crave, and at the same I long for things that can’t be touched like happiness and fulfilment through marriage and motherhood. I feel as if I see and feel and know so much more than the people around me. I am not satisfied with myself. Without these things I feel empty. I am not enough.